There are days that are harder than others. There are days that I want the end to come soon, and some days when I am able to dream about the future. Most days are somewhere in between. Today is a day where I don’t really know where on the scale it lands. As the day progresses, my mood, and my migraine get worse.

My daughter is in the school play, and I am excited to go see the performance tonight, but at the same time I know that going to the performance will require a confrontation with my daughter’s mother. There is a Reddit commonly referred to as AITA, in this case I don’t even need to ask the question. The real question is how big of an asshole will I need to be. The cast will come out after the performance for the required meet and greet, and if I allow my daughter’s mother to have time to socialize, eventually I will have to step in and stop it, as I will need to get her home. The more time I allow, the bigger the asshole I will have to be. It comes back to my favourite Trolley Problem, there are no good options, just the game of trying to find the least bad option. Everything with my ex-wife comes back to the Trolley Problem. This is a woman who, literally, told a Supreme Court Judge, that she felt she was being “blackmailed” into taking the deal I was offering. The deal that even her own lawyer felt was generous. When dealing with a narcissist, there is no way to compromise, you are either an asshole, or you are a victim. Because for the narcissist everything is win or lose. There is no middle ground.

To stick with a theme that has run through my last few posts, here is a recent addition to the songs that have some deep emotional feelings for me. P!nk described the feeling of losing a parent like “a suitcase you will be unpacking for the rest of your life”. Her new song “When I Get There” from her Trustfall album is about the pain of losing a parent, and while I have yet to lose a parent, my partner recently lost one of her parents, and while I have lost many friends, I cannot relate to the pain of losing a parent. With my father turning 81 this year, I suspect that I may be experiencing that pain sooner rather than later, but there is no real way of predicting whether he has six months or 20 more years left in him. My mother is only 29, which is really weird considering my age, but with her it is the same thing, there is no real way of knowing when the end will come.