At long last, I have finally managed to find the source of the problem that has been preventing me from creating new posts here. I could get into the technical issues, but nobody really cares about the DNS issues I was having. Hopefully now I can get back to writing, and trying to release some of my personal demons…

Since my last appearance at court, and under the advice of people whose opinion I respect, I have stopped trying to shield my children from the lies and abuse of their mother. I have always tried to keep myself neutral when talking to the children about their mother. I do not pretend to have a great track record of maintaining that neutrality, but my children could tell that I was trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my seven-year-old (S4) about my fight with her mother regarding trying to get the parenting time changed from the current 5-5-2-2 arrangement, to a simpler 7-7 arrangement. S4 was previously in favour of the change, but was now waffling on what she wanted. As we talked, what I discovered, was that her primary reason for wanting to maintain the 5-5-2-2 was because she is a member of the Guiding group now known as Embers (formally Brownies). She very much enjoys Embers, and her mother told her that if we switched to 7-7, she would only be able to attend Ember every two weeks, rather than weekly, because ‘Daddy won’t let her attend during his parenting time’. I explained to my daughter that what her mother had told her was a lie. I told her that not only would I allow her to attend Embers during my parenting time, I had told that to her mother last June, prior to her even being enrolled in Embers. I had also suggested to her mother, that if S4 was enrolled in the unit on the Wednesday night, rather than the group on the Tuesday night, she would be attending Embers in the same group as her best friend. When I explained all of this to S4, her eyes lit up in excitement, and without hesitation she was very clear that she wanted the 7-7 parenting time arrangement. I then asked her why she has been telling me for over a year that she does not really like Sparks and Embers, and only goes because her mother makes her, when she clearly does enjoy Sparks and Embers. She was very clear with her response, that her mother told her to lie to me. I then pointed out to her, that her mother lied to her, and taught her to lie to me.

I was talking to S3 about what he knows about his mother’s reasons for fighting the switch to 7-7, and his reaction is that his mother told him that the only reason that I want 7-7 is because I want to be able to take the children for a week vacation during the summer. What I explained to him, is that while that would be a nice side benefit of the switch, it is not the reason that I am trying to make the change. I also pointed out to him that his mother had already made an offer for a summer swap where we would trade with each other, to give each parent a single full week during the summer. I had a long conversation with him, where I tried to be clear that my motivation is what I believe to be in the kids’ best interests. What I have observed is that the four children experience different levels of stress associated with ‘swap day’. I told him that it is most pronounced in S4, and that she has even told me, on multiple occasions. That because of the radically different rules between the two houses, it can sometimes take her up to two days to adjust to ‘different house, different rules’. I pointed out to S3 that he has had challenges with that concept also. As I talked with S3, I asked him to think about how on Sunday they were at my house, and Monday they swapped. If it took S4, two days to adjust to different house, what day would she be adjusted. As he realized that she would be adjusted Wednesday morning, and that Wednesday was a swap back to my house, he realized how that could cause S4 stress. I then added that they are swapping again on Friday, and if S4 arrives at my house on Wednesday, what day is she adjusted. He realized that she adjusts, just in time to swap again. Realizing that his little sister is in a near constant state of ‘whose house am I in, and what are the rules?’, he accepted that my reason for wanting the 7-7 was not just something I wanted, but something that might actually be in the best interests of the children. The ten-year-old can figure it out, but their 49+ year old mother thinks I am being selfish with the request.

The fourteen-year-old, S2, brought up something that really makes me question what would be the correct action for me to take. It is known that their mother will be receiving an eviction notice in the next few months, but we do not know exactly when. The property owners rezoning request has been approved, and as soon as he is ready to proceed to the next step, he will be issuing her four months notice, and once she has vacated, he is demolishing the current house, and dividing the lot into two lots. For 2.5 years, mother has been receiving an amazing deal on rent, because when she took the place, it was known that it would be short term, due to the rezoning application. It was only expected to be 6-8 months, and even if she received her eviction notice the first of this month, she will have been there 3 years by the time she has to move. She currently has a five bedroom house, on a large (for the area) yard, and her monthly rent is around what people here pay for a 2 bedroom suite. Unless she gets amazingly lucky, when she moves, it is expected that she will wind up in a 3 bedroom place. S2 was suddenly mentioning that when they move, mother is planning on getting him an airbed to sleep in the living room of the suite, because he refuses to share a room with S3 and S4, however S1 refuses to share with S4. My overthinking brain starts trying to muddle through the mess. Logic says that S1 and S4 should share as they are both female, and S2 and S3 should share as they are both male. I get no say in how their mother runs her household, so if she wants to put S2 on an airbed in the living room, I cannot complain directly, but my mind starts wondering why S1 would think herself so entitled that she deserves a private room, when all of her siblings need to share, and why would mother think that it is okay to give S1 a private room, and S2 no room at all? My mind starts spinning at the stupidity of it all. The concern is that S1 would move into my house full time if not appeased at mother’s house, but that would put me in the dilemma of either supporting S1’s selfishness, or forcing S1 to live in mother’s toxic environment. The suggestion was made that if she did that, I should make S1 and S4 share a room at my house. It would only be during the 50% that S4 is here, but might make a point. When I though about it further, a deeper concern came to me. If S1 chooses to live with me, because she is happier at my house, that would give fuel to mother’s lawsuit against me for undue hardship. The only avenue she has for her claim is that my house is preferable to her house, in the children’s view, and that the children would prefer to live with me full time. If S1 came to live with me full time, because she was not happy at her mother’s house, it might add considerable weight to the lawsuit. Plus, the subsequent change to the child support amount that I pay, might cause mother to not be able to afford the 3 bedroom place, which would also add credibility to mother’s undue hardship case. Generally it is just a mess. Fortunately, S1 tells me that she would, grudgingly, accept having to share a room with S4, if necessary, but I wonder if anyone has actually told this to mother?