As I struggle through my own personal journey of healing, I have found that listening to music can elicit some powerful emotions, and actually being able to experience emotions can be therapeutic. For so long, I had to shut off my emotions, and just exist in survival mode.

I just discovered a new song that is absolutely brutal emotionally, in a good way, as it really draws me back to my darkest days, and reminds me of what the people left behind after suicide go through. I was fortunate to see the last act on Canada’s Got Talent. Being the last performance of the episode, I knew it would be a ‘Golden Buzzer’ performance, so I took the time to watch, and I am very happy that I did. The song “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi, is heartbreaking to hear, and the performance of the arial artists really brings the pain into reality.

That reminder of the pain and trauma the people left behind have to deal with, is one of the things that keeps me pushing forward, hoping for that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’. Some days I think I can see a light, but it seems so far away. My counsellor reminds me that regardless of how far away the light seems, the fact that I can see it, means I am travelling in the correct direction.

Anther song, that everyone knows, but nobody truly understands is one of the first singles released by Phil Collins. His song “In the Air Tonight” is famous for the everybody breaking into “air drums”, but the lyrics are haunting and confusing. There is a story about how Phil saw someone drowning, and that was part of the inspiration for this song, but the story complete fiction.

The reality is that Phil was going through an ugly divorce, and he wrote this song while trying to deal with his own pain. Even Phil says that he does not know what most of the lyrics mean. Some of the symbolism and metaphors he uses make sense, when one understands the pain from which the song was written. When I think about my ex-wife, the line “Well, if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand” makes perfect sense to me. “I can feel it coming in the air tonight” also rings true for me, as I knew that I would have to end the marriage for years, before I finally found the ‘courage’ to do it. I say courage sarcastically, because I genuinely believed that suicide was the better path. It was only thanks to the love and courage of some friends and family that got me through those darkest of days.

Even the extremely overplayed song “Let It Go” by Idina Menzel from Frozen holds some powerful messages. Elsa lived in fear that people might discover her power, and had been taught by her parents to hide the truth at all costs. When she slips and people get a glimpse of what she can do, she runs away, believing that she can just hide herself away. So much of the song addresses the concept of being forbidden from being who you truly are, which is a reality that a huge percentage of people experience daily. The line “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well, now they know” is how I felt for the majority of my marriage. Don’t allow anyone, including my ex-wife, to know how I truly felt. I had to bury my emotions for fear that someone would discover the truth. Now I am working towards the line “I’m never going back, the past is in the past”. Demi Lovato’s version includes the line “I know I left a life behind, but I’m too relieved to grieve”, which is a concept that people struggling to escape oppressive lives can relate.

Garth Brooks has many amazing songs. “Standing Outside the Fire” from his In Pieces album is about trying to balance the pain of experiencing life, with the safety of staying on the sidelines, but missing the experiences. “Life is not tried, it is merely survived, If you’re standing outside the fire” speaks to the constant struggle of risking yourself, which exposes yourself to pain vs playing it safe, and never being able to truly experience happiness.

The next song I want to talk about is “Story of My Life” by One Direction from their Midnight Memories album. A surprisingly mature song from a group not known for their serious songs. This song explores the realization that no matter how hard you might try in a relationship, the relationship might still end. “Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain / I leave my heart open / But it stays right here / Empty for days / She told me in the morning / She don’t feel the same about us in her bones / Seems to me that when I die / These words will be written on my stone.” If you try too hard you may push your partner away because you are perceived as too clingy, and if you give too much space, you may be perceived as not caring. The “Story of My Life” is about the endless cycle of giving the relationship your all, and watching it fail despite your best efforts, only to have to start a new relationship, and watch the cycle repeat itself. This song is has a strong parallel to Garth Brooks’ “Standing Outside the Fire”. If you don’t try, you can protect your heart, but you will not be ‘living’, but by trying, you may find great joy, but you expose yourself to the pain of failure.

Through music I discover that I am not alone. It helps me to grasp some of the emotions with which I struggle. The people who know me often struggle to try and help me, or to even understand me. Despite the unconditional love and support that they provide me, they often cannot understand the weight of the emotions that I carry. I would love to be able to set that weight aside, but that is not how emotions work. I am able to experience joy and happiness, but the concept of ‘being happy’ is almost a foreign concept to me. Those around me sometimes see it is a failure on their part that they cannot make me happy.

I look back on my marriage, and I think it akin to being a POW subjected to daily emotional and psychological abuse. After 15 years of that level of torture, it sometimes seems impossible to believe that I might ever be able to come back to the person that I used to be. She and I have been separated for four years, but I am still learning new and horrifying aspects to Her personality. What’s worse, is that upon a closer inspection, I realize that this new aspect to Her personality was always there, I simply made excuses in my head to justify Her actions, so that I could live with it.

There has been a lot of darkness in my life, and I have not been able to process all of it, before the next piece of darkness hits me. It is through music that I am finding solace. I am not alone in my experiences. There are people out there who understand. Being able to create a song that expresses that pain and vulnerability can become a light for those of us travelling down the dark tunnels.