As S2 gets older, I have had the opportunity to have several conversations lately regarding the Trolley Problem. It has been nice to be able to have mature conversations with him, and to see him slowly understanding that the world is bigger and more complex than he realized. But as I talk to him, I start seeing more real world examples of the Trolley Problem and how important it is for everyone to understand that no win situations are far more commonplace than we might realize.

The emotional damage that I suffer from, as a result of the Narcissistic Abuse that I received from my ex-wife remains a daily struggle that impacts my life constantly. I am overly eager to please, and any failure or criticism that I receive can devastate me. This causes my current partner a daily, real world Trolley Problem. Does she share with me the emotional struggles that she might have, or point out to me the mistakes that I may have made, which might send me into a downward spiral causing me to contemplate suicide, or does she hold it all in, and not have any release for her own emotions and frustrations. Everybody has good days and bad days, but when you worry that having a bad day could cause a loved one to try and hurt themselves causes an extra level of pain that nobody deserves.

In an earlier posting, I discussed a few songs that have special meaning to me. That is a tiny fragment of the list of songs that have an impact upon me. Over the years, friends and family have shared with me some of the pains and traumas that they have endured, and the knowledge haunts me, because I worry that my own children will experience similar traumas and that I am unable to protect them.

The number of females I know who have been sexually abused and raped scares me to contemplate. To think that there are that many men out there who do not understand the basic concept of “No means NO” makes me worried for my daughters’ future.

I can remember once leaving college, and as I was about to get in my car, I was approached by a woman, who deliberately stood on the opposite side of my open car door from me, and asked if I could just stay there for a moment. She was concerned that she was being followed by a small group of men, and just wanted a safe place to let them pass her. So many thoughts ran through my mind during the following minute. First was how hurt had that woman been in her past that the mere act of some guys behind her, on a public street, caused her that much concern. Second, was whether the group of males had done anything to cause this woman fear, or whether it was their mere proximity to her that worried her. Lastly was that I was happy to be able to give her the brief moment of peace that she was seeking. I made certain to keep the open car door between her and I, and made no unnecessary movements. Once the group of males had passed, she thanked me and carried on her way.

I had a female friend that, as a teenager, stopped trusting her own father. Her father had done nothing wrong, but so many of her friends had been abused by their fathers, my friend just assumed that this is what fathers did, and it caused her to fear her own father, and when would he start. Another friend told me about being sexually abused growing up, but worries about the consequences of revealing to her family that it happened and whom was her abuser. Another friend tells about the emotional abuse her husband caused her, including cheating on her, and convincing her to get an abortion.

How do we help the people who truly need it? Revealing their secrets is a fundamental betrayal of their trust, but to not tell the people that could help them also feels wrong. The severe abuses that people get to suffer, and not reveal reminds me that everyone could use therapy, but the wrong therapist can cause more harm than help. My own marriage counsellor was clearly biased and sided with my ex-wife, to the point where she called me an asshole. This caused severe enough emotional damage that it is part of what triggered my last suicide attempts. The idea that my own therapist felt I was not worthy of being helped. Yet she has a high rating on Google. We circle back to the trolley problem. The wrong help is worse than no help. But if we don’t help, we are also wrong. Recognizing that we are out of our depth and trying to coax our friends to seek help feels like the right answer, but getting help is expensive, and forcing someone to choose between feeding their kids or getting help for themselves can make those hurting feel selfish.

In the end, I circle so much that I start to spiral, and that is when I turn back to music. Songs about emotional abuse, families breaking up, love ending, losing loved ones, and dreams ending can help you to remember that you are not alone. For someone to write a song about it, means that they have experienced something similar, and if someone else has experienced similar, maybe you too can survive.