As S2 gets older, I have had the opportunity to have several conversations lately regarding the Trolley Problem. It has been nice to be able to have mature conversations with him, and to see him slowly understanding that the world is bigger and more complex than he realized. But as I talk to him, I start seeing more real world examples of the Trolley Problem and how important it is for everyone to understand that no win situations are far more commonplace than we might realize.

The emotional damage that I suffer from, as a result of the Narcissistic Abuse that I received from my ex-wife remains a daily struggle that impacts my life constantly. I am overly eager to please, and any failure or criticism that I receive can devastate me. This causes my current partner a daily, real world Trolley Problem. Does she share with me the emotional struggles that she might have, or point out to me the mistakes that I may have made, which might send me into a downward spiral causing me to contemplate suicide, or does she hold it all in, and not have any release for her own emotions and frustrations. Everybody has good days and bad days, but when you worry that having a bad day could cause a loved one to try and hurt themselves causes an extra level of pain that nobody deserves.

In an earlier posting, I discussed a few songs that have special meaning to me. That is a tiny fragment of the list of songs that have an impact upon me. Over the years, friends and family have shared with me some of the pains and traumas that they have endured, and the knowledge haunts me, because I worry that my own children will experience similar traumas and that I am unable to protect them.

The number of females I know who have been sexually abused and raped scares me to contemplate. To think that there are that many men out there who do not understand the basic concept of “No means NO” makes me worried for my daughters’ future.

I can remember once leaving college, and as I was about to get in my car, I was approached by a woman, who deliberately stood on the opposite side of my open car door from me, and asked if I could just stay there for a moment. She was concerned that she was being followed by a small group of men, and just wanted a safe place to let them pass her. So many thoughts ran through my mind during the following minute. First was how hurt had that woman been in her past that the mere act of some guys behind her, on a public street, caused her that much concern. Second, was whether the group of males had done anything to cause this woman fear, or whether it was their mere proximity to her that worried her. Lastly was that I was happy to be able to give her the brief moment of peace that she was seeking. I made certain to keep the open car door between her and I, and made no unnecessary movements. Once the group of males had passed, she thanked me and carried on her way.

I had a female friend that, as a teenager, stopped trusting her own father. Her father had done nothing wrong, but so many of her friends had been abused by their fathers, my friend just assumed that this is what fathers did, and it caused her to fear her own father, and when would he start. Another friend told me about being sexually abused growing up, but worries about the consequences of revealing to her family that it happened and whom was her abuser. Another friend tells about the emotional abuse her husband caused her, including cheating on her, and convincing her to get an abortion.

How do we help the people who truly need it? Revealing their secrets is a fundamental betrayal of their trust, but to not tell the people that could help them also feels wrong. The severe abuses that people get to suffer, and not reveal reminds me that everyone could use therapy, but the wrong therapist can cause more harm than help. My own marriage counsellor was clearly biased and sided with my ex-wife, to the point where she called me an asshole. This caused severe enough emotional damage that it is part of what triggered my last suicide attempts. The idea that my own therapist felt I was not worthy of being helped. Yet she has a high rating on Google. We circle back to the trolley problem. The wrong help is worse than no help. But if we don’t help, we are also wrong. Recognizing that we are out of our depth and trying to coax our friends to seek help feels like the right answer, but getting help is expensive, and forcing someone to choose between feeding their kids or getting help for themselves can make those hurting feel selfish.

In the end, I circle so much that I start to spiral, and that is when I turn back to music. Songs about emotional abuse, families breaking up, love ending, losing loved ones, and dreams ending can help you to remember that you are not alone. For someone to write a song about it, means that they have experienced something similar, and if someone else has experienced similar, maybe you too can survive.

At long last, I have finally managed to find the source of the problem that has been preventing me from creating new posts here. I could get into the technical issues, but nobody really cares about the DNS issues I was having. Hopefully now I can get back to writing, and trying to release some of my personal demons…

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Since my last appearance at court, and under the advice of people whose opinion I respect, I have stopped trying to shield my children from the lies and abuse of their mother. I have always tried to keep myself neutral when talking to the children about their mother. I do not pretend to have a great track record of maintaining that neutrality, but my children could tell that I was trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my seven-year-old (S4) about my fight with her mother regarding trying to get the parenting time changed from the current 5-5-2-2 arrangement, to a simpler 7-7 arrangement. S4 was previously in favour of the change, but was now waffling on what she wanted. As we talked, what I discovered, was that her primary reason for wanting to maintain the 5-5-2-2 was because she is a member of the Guiding group now known as Embers (formally Brownies). She very much enjoys Embers, and her mother told her that if we switched to 7-7, she would only be able to attend Ember every two weeks, rather than weekly, because ‘Daddy won’t let her attend during his parenting time’. I explained to my daughter that what her mother had told her was a lie. I told her that not only would I allow her to attend Embers during my parenting time, I had told that to her mother last June, prior to her even being enrolled in Embers. I had also suggested to her mother, that if S4 was enrolled in the unit on the Wednesday night, rather than the group on the Tuesday night, she would be attending Embers in the same group as her best friend. When I explained all of this to S4, her eyes lit up in excitement, and without hesitation she was very clear that she wanted the 7-7 parenting time arrangement. I then asked her why she has been telling me for over a year that she does not really like Sparks and Embers, and only goes because her mother makes her, when she clearly does enjoy Sparks and Embers. She was very clear with her response, that her mother told her to lie to me. I then pointed out to her, that her mother lied to her, and taught her to lie to me.

I was talking to S3 about what he knows about his mother’s reasons for fighting the switch to 7-7, and his reaction is that his mother told him that the only reason that I want 7-7 is because I want to be able to take the children for a week vacation during the summer. What I explained to him, is that while that would be a nice side benefit of the switch, it is not the reason that I am trying to make the change. I also pointed out to him that his mother had already made an offer for a summer swap where we would trade with each other, to give each parent a single full week during the summer. I had a long conversation with him, where I tried to be clear that my motivation is what I believe to be in the kids’ best interests. What I have observed is that the four children experience different levels of stress associated with ‘swap day’. I told him that it is most pronounced in S4, and that she has even told me, on multiple occasions. That because of the radically different rules between the two houses, it can sometimes take her up to two days to adjust to ‘different house, different rules’. I pointed out to S3 that he has had challenges with that concept also. As I talked with S3, I asked him to think about how on Sunday they were at my house, and Monday they swapped. If it took S4, two days to adjust to different house, what day would she be adjusted. As he realized that she would be adjusted Wednesday morning, and that Wednesday was a swap back to my house, he realized how that could cause S4 stress. I then added that they are swapping again on Friday, and if S4 arrives at my house on Wednesday, what day is she adjusted. He realized that she adjusts, just in time to swap again. Realizing that his little sister is in a near constant state of ‘whose house am I in, and what are the rules?’, he accepted that my reason for wanting the 7-7 was not just something I wanted, but something that might actually be in the best interests of the children. The ten-year-old can figure it out, but their 49+ year old mother thinks I am being selfish with the request.

The fourteen-year-old, S2, brought up something that really makes me question what would be the correct action for me to take. It is known that their mother will be receiving an eviction notice in the next few months, but we do not know exactly when. The property owners rezoning request has been approved, and as soon as he is ready to proceed to the next step, he will be issuing her four months notice, and once she has vacated, he is demolishing the current house, and dividing the lot into two lots. For 2.5 years, mother has been receiving an amazing deal on rent, because when she took the place, it was known that it would be short term, due to the rezoning application. It was only expected to be 6-8 months, and even if she received her eviction notice the first of this month, she will have been there 3 years by the time she has to move. She currently has a five bedroom house, on a large (for the area) yard, and her monthly rent is around what people here pay for a 2 bedroom suite. Unless she gets amazingly lucky, when she moves, it is expected that she will wind up in a 3 bedroom place. S2 was suddenly mentioning that when they move, mother is planning on getting him an airbed to sleep in the living room of the suite, because he refuses to share a room with S3 and S4, however S1 refuses to share with S4. My overthinking brain starts trying to muddle through the mess. Logic says that S1 and S4 should share as they are both female, and S2 and S3 should share as they are both male. I get no say in how their mother runs her household, so if she wants to put S2 on an airbed in the living room, I cannot complain directly, but my mind starts wondering why S1 would think herself so entitled that she deserves a private room, when all of her siblings need to share, and why would mother think that it is okay to give S1 a private room, and S2 no room at all? My mind starts spinning at the stupidity of it all. The concern is that S1 would move into my house full time if not appeased at mother’s house, but that would put me in the dilemma of either supporting S1’s selfishness, or forcing S1 to live in mother’s toxic environment. The suggestion was made that if she did that, I should make S1 and S4 share a room at my house. It would only be during the 50% that S4 is here, but might make a point. When I though about it further, a deeper concern came to me. If S1 chooses to live with me, because she is happier at my house, that would give fuel to mother’s lawsuit against me for undue hardship. The only avenue she has for her claim is that my house is preferable to her house, in the children’s view, and that the children would prefer to live with me full time. If S1 came to live with me full time, because she was not happy at her mother’s house, it might add considerable weight to the lawsuit. Plus, the subsequent change to the child support amount that I pay, might cause mother to not be able to afford the 3 bedroom place, which would also add credibility to mother’s undue hardship case. Generally it is just a mess. Fortunately, S1 tells me that she would, grudgingly, accept having to share a room with S4, if necessary, but I wonder if anyone has actually told this to mother?

My counsellor keeps encouraging me to write a book about my journey with Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (NAS). She tells me that a first-person perspective, especially with the victim being male, is a needed piece for survivors and therapists. The primary challenge I have with such an activity is that NAS leaves me with such huge levels of self-doubt that it is hard for me to put words to paper to try and articulate the emotions with which I continue to struggle.

My ex-wife continues to be controlling and manipulative in every aspect that she can find. I am currently facing yet another lawsuit and trial, because she is incapable of recognizing that the needs of the children are different from her own needs. British Columbia has a child support recalculation service, which will calculate how much child support should be paid, and by whom. Last year I engaged this service, and was pleasantly surprised that they determined that based upon my income, and her income, they reduced my monthly support payment by $155 / month. I knew that she had received a raise during the year, and I had not, so I was hoping for a small reduction in my payments, but the reduction I received was far larger than I had anticipated. My ex-wife is taking me to court, claiming that the housing subsidy she receives from a local women’s shelter should not be counted as part of her income, and is also claiming Undue Hardship, because she is having difficulties making ends meet every month. Her primary argument is that my household is a two-income household, and she is a single mother, therefore I should be paying her more. Unfortunately, something that she seems to have forgotten is that because my fiancé did not give birth to the children, she is not financially responsible for them. Also, due to the economy, and inflation, life is expensive, and most people are having a challenge making ends meet.

We found ourselves in court a month ago, for a Family Management Conference (FMC), and the judge was very quick to question my ex’s lawyer as to the rationale behind the claim that the housing subsidy not be counted as income. It was entertaining listening to the lawyer dance around the issue, and avoid giving any type of logical answer. Ultimately the judge moved the question to a formal trial. During an FMC, the judge is merely trying to mediate a deal between the parties, and is not supposed to give a ruling.

During all of this, I have been trying to change the parenting time arrangement from our current 2-2-5-5 cycle, to a simpler 7-7 cycle. Their mother and I have not been able to agree on a formal parenting time agreement since we separated. The current schedule was arrange during a 6.5 hour 4-way meeting three years ago, and was agreed to as a desperate attempt to have some arrangement. At the time, we agreed to review the schedule after 90 days, and that was in addition to the separation agreement stating we need to review any parenting time arrangements every six months. It has now been 3 years, and their mother refuses to discuss changes because she claims that the current arrangement is working ‘for everybody’. The closest I got to getting her to discuss altering the arrangement to 7-7, was her giving me the reasons why changing was not in the best interests of the kids, yet all of her reasons circled back to what she wanted.

Her two biggest reasons for why it was not in the best interests of the kids, was that the 7-year-old was going to be enrolling in Embers (formally Brownies) in the Fall, and the meetings fall on Tuesday evenings. The current system gives her every Tuesday evening, and if we moved to 7-7, then the 7-year-old would only be able to attend every other week. I agreed that this was not in the child’s best interest, and offered for mother to pick up the child on ‘my’ Tuesday and transport the child to and from Embers, dropper her off to my house after. I did not receive any response to my offer. I also suggested that if we switched to the 7-7 arrangement, the child could be enrolled in the Wednesday evening (currently my parenting day) Embers unit, which is where the child’s best friend attends. It was approximately seven months ago that I made this offer, and just last week, whilst talking to the 7-year-old, she told me that she did not want to switch to 7-7, because her mother had told her that if we switched, I would not permit her to attend Embers during my parenting time, and she really wanted to attend Embers. When I told her what I had offered her mother many months ago, the child was visibly angry and confused. She realized that her mother had both lied to her, and manipulated her, and was very upset about it. When she realized that the opportunity had been available for her to attend with her best friend, she became quite angry at mother having deliberately cheated her of that opportunity. When I asked her about why she had previously always insisted to me that Embers was not something she really enjoyed, and she was now telling me how important Embers is to her, her reaction was a very simple, “Mother asked me to lie to you”. I was then forced to point out to the 7-year-old, who has in recent months received several weeks of grounding due to lying, that her mother had lied to her, and additionally, her mother had encouraged her to lie to me.

The other primary reason their mother has for fighting 7-7, is that it would severely interfere with the 10-year-old attending daycare. While the boy used to attend daycare full time, I pulled him out, during my parenting time, mid last year, for several reasons. Primarily it was a financial decision. I was needing to cut my costs, and paying $210 / month for the boy to attend daycare for 2.5 hours a day, 2-3 days a week, just wasn’t financially logical. Also, I was noticing that his emotional development seemed to be stunted, and was concerned that much of the way he is treated and viewed, might subconsciously encourage him to act younger than his actual age. I hoped that by giving him greater responsibility, I might be able to get him to grow up a bit. Lastly, by his age, it did not make sense to me for him to still be attending daycare. He was 9.5 years old, and I worked from home. Since that time, the daycare has updated their policies, and indicated that all children, once they complete their grade 5 year in elementary school, would become ineligible to attend the daycare, after the complete of the summer. Their mother insists that the boy attending daycare is absolutely necessary, and has told the children that she will be attempting to get a special exemption for the boy to continue in daycare after the completion of 5th grade. The only stated reason that I have heard as to why daycare is necessary for the boy, is because his mother is unable to control his screen time usage when he is at home, unsupervised. The boy is currently happy attending daycare, because he loves to hang out with his friends. When I pointed out that by end of Summer this year, all of his friends will no longer be attending, he was very quick to say that he did not want to attend either. In regard to monitoring the child’s screen time usage, my suggestion is that their mother utilize a screen time monitoring application. We use one in my household, and the annual subscription is ~$90/year.

For a quick mathematical recap, my ex-wife is claiming undue hardship, because the child support payment she receives was reduced by $155/month. In these economically challenging times, that can be a significant amount of money. However, if she were to pull the 10-year-old out of daycare, she would gain ~$210/month. Net gain of $55/month. The screen time monitoring software is $90/year. That subscription would be covered by 2 months of her net gain, leaving her ten months of net gain, totaling ~$550/year. I haven’t even gotten into her monthly food budget. Her monthly food and supplies budget for her house of 5, is ~$300/month greater than the budget for my household of 6. If she cut back by $250/month, that would be an additional savings of $3000/year. A narcissist is almost incapable of accepting that they might be responsible for something, or that they might be the one that is wrong.

Most of what I have written today does not even deal with the stress and anxiety issues that can result from NAS and C-PTSD. For those not familiar with C-PTSD, it stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since the disorder of PTSD was first diagnosed many years ago, psychologists and psychiatrists have realized that there is a distinct difference caused by the original cause of the disorder. PTSD is primarily caused by a singular traumatic incident. If a person is violently assaulted, it can cause a traumatic effect on the individual’s emotional state. However, if the trauma is less significant, but last for a longer period of time, the traumatic effect on the individual’s emotional state is very different, which is where C-PTSD is diagnosed. For myself, 15 years of mental and emotional abuse left a deep trauma, that is very slow from which to recover. While no single incident of abuse was significant, the damage done by the cumulative effect is similar to water erosion. A single drop of water on a stone causes no noticeable damage. But if that single drop continues, constantly, for many years, the damage to the stone becomes very noticeable. Perhaps someday I will have the emotional strength to truly start writing about my journey.